drunken notes

hi. here are 3 and a half notes (out of a hundred) i've written on my phone since last may. i've compiled them in one post because i feel like they are all unfinished (i write a lot when i'm drunk and then pass out lol). enjoy. 

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i've lost count on how many times i went home drunk, almost stumbling, telling myself that it would be the last time i'd be doing this to myself. 

i'd be half drunk at 3am, shivering from the cold air, but still would walk from the tricycle stand 45 minutes away from home. i walk to feel my heart beating in my chest loudly, to feel the sweat dripping on my back. to feel my knees get weak as i near home, to feel the air blowing in my face. to feel tired.

to feel anything other than my sadness. 

to prove myself that i am still capable of feeling other things. to prove myself that this, what i'm feeling, is not breaking me.  

//

i don't how people do it, and i'm afraid to ask. if i knew how, tried, and failed, it would only get me disappointed with myself. 

i wish i knew how to always put myself first. to not come running to people when they need me, even when i have zero sleep. to not listen to a friend ramble on about his love life while i am breaking down to pieces at the same time. 

i wish i knew how to take back the love i give to undeserving people. i wish i knew how to see if they are undeserving. i wish i stop telling myself that no one is undeserving of love. i wish i knew how to get angry at people for breaking me when all i've given is my best. 

i wish i knew how to care for myself as much as i do for other people. i wish i knew how to live a life where i am my own's caretaker. where i am the person who is most in love with myself. 

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i've always wondered how it would be like to not be me. 

i've always wondered how it would be like to not have people think you can handle things better. to not have people think that you are the stronger person. 

i've always wondered how it would be like to be put first. to not be the second consideration. 

i've always wondered how it would be like to not be expected to always be the bigger person. to not be the person to always to understand. 

i've always wondered how it would feel like to not be tired of being me.

//
i've been focusing a lot on the things that me happy, but it still sometimes doesn't feel enough.