when i started writing this, it was kind of a love letter. i haven't written anything in here for months, and this person came and told me i can do it again. i started believing in myself because i finally had someone cheering me on. i thought to myself, "let me dedicate the first one to him when i'm already in love with him." 

i was not looking for anything, for someone. if you ask everyone i know, they'd say i'm a floatee. always around, always the thirdwheel, always fun, always on the go. 

and then, you came. the biggest a-hole i've ever met. the least person i thought i'd entertain. you seem sad, so i gave it a chance. i know how it feels to be drowning even when you can swim. i know how heavy it feels to be carrying everyone's burdens. i know what it's like to not have someone listen and understand. i know. 

it was nothing at first. i thought nothing of it. then you started opening up. your dreams, your failures, your regrets. you have no second thoughts telling me your beliefs. you guessed my favorite color right. you always say, "you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable" before you ask me things. you told me i understood you like nobody else, and i didn't understand what you meant, but i thought, wow, i want to keep listening to you... and i did. 

we'd argue over politics, and unlike people who wait for me to finish talking so they can talk, you do listen. we shared our thoughts about religion. we talked about our dreams of traveling around the world and trying out new things along the way. they say you are a difficult person to argue with because you don't listen, but it was different with me. you always listen. i'd talk, you'd stare, and we'd smile. it was easy. it seemed easy. 

i don't open up to a lot of people. i don't let words stumble out of my mouth and into strangers' ears. i am always wary of who is listening. it's shocking, how you made me let you in into my mind. i shared my what ifs, my buts, my what could've beens. i watched you listened, and i finally understood what you meant when you said i was the only person who can understand you. there you are, standing in front me, telling me i can do anything, and i thought, "this person understands me." 

i started this as a love letter and said i'd publish it when i'm already in love, but now i'm ending it for healing. this is unfinished, but i'm publishing it anyway, because this is the end. 
anger is an alien feeling to me, but i've been accustomed to it these past two weeks. i hate it. it's been crawling into my skin, sinking its teeth into me, and i hate it. it's turning me into someone i don't know. i am tired of it, and i am letting it go. i'm letting it all go.