my body has been touched too much by too many men... when i didn't want them to. 

by strangers, by acquaintances, even by a friend. 

a man i used to call my best friend shoved his tongue down my throat while i was sleeping. i resisted. instead of stopping, he put his face on my breasts. i resisted even more. he stopped and joked about it. i cried. i stopped being friends with him. 

i used to study in Manila. the buses were always full so i had to stand up through the trip most of the time. one time, the bus was so full, everyone was standing too close to each other. the driver suddenly hit the brake and the man that was sitting behind me squeezed my bottoms. it was hot and i was tired and i got dizzy with anger, so i slapped him. he got off the bus. a few people cheered, but i still felt defeated. 

it was new year's eve. my sister and i were on our way home from a family party. my sister was already sleeping. besides us, there was only one passenger, a man so drunk he can barely sit up straight. i resisted looking at him but he kept staring. he struggled unzipping his shorts, but once he did, he started touching himself while staring at me. 

i was in a place i thought i was safe. i was with at least 10 friends. a stranger groped both of my breasts and i cried and cried and cried for two whole days. i couldn't kiss someone without thinking of him. i couldn't let anyone touch me without remembering what his touch felt like. 

i cannot count on both my fingers and toes how many times i've received inappropriate jokes and remarks about my body. jokes on how big my boobs are. remarks on how i look like i might be good at sex. how many times i've been asked how men i've already slept with. i've stopped counting on how many times men stare at my boobs while i talk to them. 

i cannot count how many times i've been whistled at like a dog. i cannot count how many times i've come across a man on a street who when comes close to me, whispers in my ear. 

i've been touched by too many men, and i haven't slept with one yet. i've been touched by too many men, when i didn't want to. 

i still don't like having a man's arm around my shoulder. i still wince when a friend accidentally touches my leg. i heart skips a beat when men i don't trust yet holds my arm. 

i am a strong woman, i know that, but when you've been touched by too many men when you pleaded them not to, i get crippled by fear too.