Caring, Trying, Explaining

6:30:00 PM

When I care about a person, I try really hard to make things work. I try to get out of my awkward shell. I try to be more affectionate. I try to talk more. I try to be more of someone I am not. I've always seen it as a positive thing- I say to myself, "This is good. You're trying to be a better person."

But you see, I can't carry the awkward shell all the way up- it's too heavy for me to bear. I can't hug and touch you all the time- it's just not the way I show how I care. I try to talk more but I always end up saying the wrong things and offend people. It's because I'm a listener- It's one of the things I'm really great at.

I notice things. I know when a person is uncomfortable or problematic or sad- I just don't acknowledge it in person. When you get home, you'll probably receive a text message or a chat from me. Not because I'm awkward and shy doesn't mean that I don't care.

I care about a lot of things and I just don't know how to show it in a way that other people will see or feel it.

I've already adjusted myself so much. I'm not saying that someone forced me to- I did it willingly. I wanted to. But since nothing I do seems good enough, I'll just keep doing what makes me feel comfortable. I won't always be all touchy and smiley but I still show that I care. And if people around me fail to see that I'm trying, I guess that is not my problem anymore. Friends try to understand each other's faults. Sometimes we try to fix things and sometimes the solutions are not good enough. I'm always up to make things work, but what I'm not up for right now is to adjust more. I'm not a robot. Just because I don't know how to express my feelings properly doesn't mean I don't have feelings. And I'm tired of trying and trying and trying and not have my efforts seen. I don't want to not care (this happens a lot when I get so frustrated).

Trying to make people around me comfortable made me uncomfortable in my own skin. It's not easy lifting up the awkward shell when it's also my armor. I know it's unfair to be frustrated at people when they don't feel or see the effort I've exerted, but I can't help it. I felt like I was finally "getting there" but turns out, I'm still pretty far from it.

But yes, I'm done trying and explaining. I have this really great friend who always tell me that I don't have to explain myself... and she's right. Why should I explain? Why should I explain why I'm hurt? I don't have to explain anything. In time, I'll take off the awkward shell- when I'M comfortable.



7:44:00 PM


You're an atheist. You're hanging out in your friend's house and suddenly your friend's mom opens a topic about religion and atheism. She starts telling all these stories about how evil atheists are. She thinks atheists will never go far in life because they don't have god in their lives. She says she believes that atheists are just people who don't like to follow the "rules" of god. You want to talk. You want to tell her that she's wrong. You want to explain- but you didn't. You just listened to her talk about "you" like you're not a human being. Your friend looks at you cautiously because she/he knows.You just shrug your shoulders and mouth, "It's okay."

You're gay. You're still in the closet. You're in a family reunion. You were talking to your cousins you haven't seen for so long. You were talking about college and then suddenly one of your cousins says, "Hey, guess what? I have a lesbian couple in one of my classes. Like, how disgusting,right?" All your other cousins laugh. One of them says, "Eew. It's just not right you know." Another round of laughter. You feel sad and frustrated and angry but you don't know what to do. So, you just chuckled and cried when you got home.

You have General Anxiety Disorder. All your relatives and friends are aware. You have an upcoming group report. You spent all night going over your presentation and mastered the report. But still, you can't stop thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Come the day of the report, there comes the panic attack. You feel like you're in another world- like you're not there. You feel suffocated and you can't breathe and your heart is pounding and you're having a stomachache and you're worrying about you're worrying and you just can't stop thinking and worrying. Your group leader gets irritated and says, "It's all in your head. Get over it."


Sometimes when humans talk, they forget that they're talking about humans. Sometimes they forget that who they talk about have feelings. Sometimes they don't forget though, they just don't care. Last week when I was on Twitter, I saw tweets about "standing up for yourself". They have all these tweets about how people should be brave and come out of the closet. I also saw in a Facebook group (atheist group) that we should be able to vocalize our views. 

But here's the thing: Other people can't. Some people can't stand up for what they believe in... yet. Some people can't come out of the closet yet. Some people can't even come out of the closet ever. Some people can't explain properly to other people what their disorder are. For some reasons, they can't. Strict parents. Dangerous environment. Fear. Not all people are as brave as you. Stop pressuring people.

People who are "hiding": You're not hiding- you're protecting yourself. Get away from people who make you feel bad. Sometimes people just don't understand. And I'm telling you, don't pressure yourself from trying to let them understand- especially when you feel like it's unsafe or it's just not the right time and place. Always think of yourself first. This is your life. You're the one who's important here.

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