prose #1 : HOME

11:12:00 AM

I'm scared of a lot of things.

I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of rats. I'm scared of how deep the ocean is. I'm scared of being buried alive. I'm scared of the possibility of getting blind in the future. I'm scared of so many impossible things.

But most of the time, I'm scared of you.

I'm scared of you meeting new people. People who can make you laugh. People who wouldn't stress you out at 2 AM in the morning. People who listen to your problems rather than tell you problems. I'm scared of you meeting people who like the same music and books as you. People who don't just listen to Taylor Swift and cover songs. I'm scared of you finding out that there are far more interesting people than me. I'm scared of the idea of you slipping away from me.

I'm scared of you finding out a whole new world- a world without me in it.I want you to find new worlds and meet new people. I want you to be able to find yourself. I love seeing you happy. I want you to discover new things. But, damn it, I'm so scared. I'm scared of you forgetting me while you are making new memories.

I'm scared of me not having someone to go home to. The idea of not having you at the end of the day makes me feel empty. You are my home and I'm scared of you finding yourself a new home- Home that I'm not a part of.

But do you know what scares me most when it comes to you?

I'm scared of you being unhappy. I'm scared of you getting tired of my bullshit and my insecurities and my drama. I'm scared of you losing your faith in me. I scared of you wanting to find new worlds and meet new people without me.

Take me with you. Take me with you while you discover new things. I promise not to bother you when you need some time alone. I promise to hold your hand when you're afraid. I promise to hold you when the new worlds you've discovered take away all your energy. I promise to run away with you when the new worlds stress you out. I promise to be here even when I'm so afraid. I promise to trust you.

I'm scared of losing you; but I will never ever be the reason why you stay at one place. I will never let that happen.

I can't promise to stop being afraid; but I can promise to be always here and there and everywhere you want me to be.

You are my home and I promise I'll always be yours. 

5:48:00 AM

If you asked me what my favorite emotion or feeling is, I'd instantly answer, "warm". I've felt care and love and hot and cold.. but warm is a different thing.

Warm is waffles and cocoa. Warm is reading a book while your dog rests his head in your lap. Warm is hugging someone and never wanting to let go. Warm is looking at your parents while they're looking at each other. Warm is your favorite blanket. Warm is looking at someone and instantly knowing what they're thinking. Warm is a smile you didn't think you'd ever get. Warm are chuckles on a Sunday night. Warm is fluffy pillows. Warm is holding someone's hand and feeling like you're finally home.

What is your favorite feeling?

Memories and Life

10:37:00 PM

The current time is 12:24 p.m. I slept late last night and was planning to sleep all day.... but I woke up at 8:00 in the morning. Oh joy. But here's the thing- I'm so happy right now I don't even care how hungry and sleepy I am. Also, I write best when I'm sleepy, so..

I want to talk about life. Vague and the cliché of all clichés, I know. This morning, my Mama suddenly burst out, "You're going to be 20 years old next year!" I just shrugged and said, "How can I forget? People always seem to remind me." But really, it still surprises me every single time I think about being 20 years old.

I remember that time my friends and I were planning our debuts (18th birthday party). Alexia and Isha were pretty sure with what theme they wanted. As the most undecided person ever, I didn't know what theme I wanted. We were so excited and we were like- "It's so far! We have to wait five years!!" Funny thing,  I'm already a year older than the age we were all waiting for. This was also the year we made "contracts" saying we couldn't have boyfriends until we turn third year in highschool. Funny thing too, I'm going to be in my third year in college next year but I still haven't had boyfriend. Both of my friends already went past their debuts and already have boyfriends. I don't want to laugh at our 13-year old selves, but I couldn't help myself. We all had plans for each other but in the end, we all just did what made us happy.

We can't plan things all things ahead of time. We can't say to our friends, "We can't have boyfriends until we're 15 years old!!" It's either they fall in love and keep it a secret from you or they turn 15 years old and don't want a boyfriend but feel pressured to have one. My friends and I learned about these lessons though. We never acknowledge it, but I'm pretty sure we did. Life is more enjoyable when you don't plan all things ahead of time. Let it surprise you.

I remember that time I was 7 years old and our dog bit me. It was a sunday family day and we just got home from the mall. Our dog, "Shampoo", had always been a grumpy dog- but that didn't stop me from teasing him. Until I was until 12 years old, I was so scared of dogs. I didn't care if it's small or it looks cute- I wasn't going to pet it. Then I grew up. I don't know how, but I just suddenly in love with dogs again. Now I own two dogs and couldn't stop gushing about them every single day. Every time I see dogs, I can't help but pet them.

There are things in life you think you can never get back; but you see, you can always do something about it. There are feelings you think you've lost forever, but in a matter of time, it just comes back so naturally that it surprises you.

I remember when I was twelve years old and every single thing confused me. Everything confused me, but I was still curious. It was the age I was trying to understand not only myself, but also everything around me. And boy, it was so hard. It was difficult trying to understand things when no one was explaining it to you. I had to find out things for myself. It was the time I felt guilty for even thinking about the things I thought. It was like everything feels wrong and right at the same time. But you know what? I matured. I turned 13 then 14 then 15 then 16. These were the years I tried to understand myself more. These were the years I started telling myself, "If it makes you happy and as long as you're not hurting anybody, GO."

I'm already 19 years old and I still say that phrase to myself every now and then. I worry a lot and sometimes I need assurance from myself.

Time is a bitch. Maturity sucks big time. But hey, time and maturity are also what make us us. I'm only 19 years old and I know I still have a lot of things to learn and realize, but for 19 years of being here on Earth, I can say that I've already learn a lot. I still haven't learn how to properly talk to people or how to cook edible food, but I'm working on it.

Note to self and everyone else: Take your time, love. Don't hurry. Every negative thing that happens in your life will teach you something. Be patient.

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