prose

prose #1 : HOME

11:12:00 AM


I'm scared of a lot of things.

I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of rats. I'm scared of how deep the ocean is. I'm scared of being buried alive. I'm scared of the possibility of getting blind in the future. I'm scared of so many impossible things.

But most of the time, I'm scared of you.

I'm scared of you meeting new people. People who can make you laugh. People who wouldn't stress you out at 2 AM in the morning. People who listen to your problems rather than tell you problems. I'm scared of you meeting people who like the same music and books as you. People who don't just listen to Taylor Swift and cover songs. I'm scared of you finding out that there are far more interesting people than me. I'm scared of the idea of you slipping away from me.

I'm scared of you finding out a whole new world- a world without me in it.I want you to find new worlds and meet new people. I want you to be able to find yourself. I love seeing you happy. I want you to discover new things. But, damn it, I'm so scared. I'm scared of you forgetting me while you are making new memories.

I'm scared of me not having someone to go home to. The idea of not having you at the end of the day makes me feel empty. You are my home and I'm scared of you finding yourself a new home- Home that I'm not a part of.

But do you know what scares me most when it comes to you?

I'm scared of you being unhappy. I'm scared of you getting tired of my bullshit and my insecurities and my drama. I'm scared of you losing your faith in me. I scared of you wanting to find new worlds and meet new people without me.

Take me with you. Take me with you while you discover new things. I promise not to bother you when you need some time alone. I promise to hold your hand when you're afraid. I promise to hold you when the new worlds you've discovered take away all your energy. I promise to run away with you when the new worlds stress you out. I promise to be here even when I'm so afraid. I promise to trust you.

I'm scared of losing you; but I will never ever be the reason why you stay at one place. I will never let that happen.

I can't promise to stop being afraid; but I can promise to be always here and there and everywhere you want me to be.

You are my home and I promise I'll always be yours. 

5:48:00 AM


If you asked me what my favorite emotion or feeling is, I'd instantly answer, "warm". I've felt care and love and hot and cold.. but warm is a different thing.

Warm is waffles and cocoa. Warm is reading a book while your dog rests his head in your lap. Warm is hugging someone and never wanting to let go. Warm is looking at your parents while they're looking at each other. Warm is your favorite blanket. Warm is looking at someone and instantly knowing what they're thinking. Warm is a smile you didn't think you'd ever get. Warm are chuckles on a Sunday night. Warm is fluffy pillows. Warm is holding someone's hand and feeling like you're finally home.

What is your favorite feeling?

Caring, Trying, Explaining

6:30:00 PM



When I care about a person, I try really hard to make things work. I try to get out of my awkward shell. I try to be more affectionate. I try to talk more. I try to be more of someone I am not. I've always seen it as a positive thing- I say to myself, "This is good. You're trying to be a better person."

But you see, I can't carry the awkward shell all the way up- it's too heavy for me to bear. I can't hug and touch you all the time- it's just not the way I show how I care. I try to talk more but I always end up saying the wrong things and offend people. It's because I'm a listener- It's one of the things I'm really great at.

I notice things. I know when a person is uncomfortable or problematic or sad- I just don't acknowledge it in person. When you get home, you'll probably receive a text message or a chat from me. Not because I'm awkward and shy doesn't mean that I don't care.

I care about a lot of things and I just don't know how to show it in a way that other people will see or feel it.

I've already adjusted myself so much. I'm not saying that someone forced me to- I did it willingly. I wanted to. But since nothing I do seems good enough, I'll just keep doing what makes me feel comfortable. I won't always be all touchy and smiley but I still show that I care. And if people around me fail to see that I'm trying, I guess that is not my problem anymore. Friends try to understand each other's faults. Sometimes we try to fix things and sometimes the solutions are not good enough. I'm always up to make things work, but what I'm not up for right now is to adjust more. I'm not a robot. Just because I don't know how to express my feelings properly doesn't mean I don't have feelings. And I'm tired of trying and trying and trying and not have my efforts seen. I don't want to not care (this happens a lot when I get so frustrated).

Trying to make people around me comfortable made me uncomfortable in my own skin. It's not easy lifting up the awkward shell when it's also my armor. I know it's unfair to be frustrated at people when they don't feel or see the effort I've exerted, but I can't help it. I felt like I was finally "getting there" but turns out, I'm still pretty far from it.


But yes, I'm done trying and explaining. I have this really great friend who always tell me that I don't have to explain myself... and she's right. Why should I explain? Why should I explain why I'm hurt? I don't have to explain anything. In time, I'll take off the awkward shell- when I'M comfortable.

atheism

Hey

7:44:00 PM


Imagine:

You're an atheist. You're hanging out in your friend's house and suddenly your friend's mom opens a topic about religion and atheism. She starts telling all these stories about how evil atheists are. She thinks atheists will never go far in life because they don't have god in their lives. She says she believes that atheists are just people who don't like to follow the "rules" of god. You want to talk. You want to tell her that she's wrong. You want to explain- but you didn't. You just listened to her talk about "you" like you're not a human being. Your friend looks at you cautiously because she/he knows.You just shrug your shoulders and mouth, "It's okay."

You're gay. You're still in the closet. You're in a family reunion. You were talking to your cousins you haven't seen for so long. You were talking about college and then suddenly one of your cousins says, "Hey, guess what? I have a lesbian couple in one of my classes. Like, how disgusting,right?" All your other cousins laugh. One of them says, "Eew. It's just not right you know." Another round of laughter. You feel sad and frustrated and angry but you don't know what to do. So, you just chuckled and cried when you got home.

You have General Anxiety Disorder. All your relatives and friends are aware. You have an upcoming group report. You spent all night going over your presentation and mastered the report. But still, you can't stop thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Come the day of the report, there comes the panic attack. You feel like you're in another world- like you're not there. You feel suffocated and you can't breathe and your heart is pounding and you're having a stomachache and you're worrying about you're worrying and you just can't stop thinking and worrying. Your group leader gets irritated and says, "It's all in your head. Get over it."

-

Sometimes when humans talk, they forget that they're talking about humans. Sometimes they forget that who they talk about have feelings. Sometimes they don't forget though, they just don't care. Last week when I was on Twitter, I saw tweets about "standing up for yourself". They have all these tweets about how people should be brave and come out of the closet. I also saw in a Facebook group (atheist group) that we should be able to vocalize our views. 

But here's the thing: Other people can't. Some people can't stand up for what they believe in... yet. Some people can't come out of the closet yet. Some people can't even come out of the closet ever. Some people can't explain properly to other people what their disorder are. For some reasons, they can't. Strict parents. Dangerous environment. Fear. Not all people are as brave as you. Stop pressuring people.

People who are "hiding": You're not hiding- you're protecting yourself. Get away from people who make you feel bad. Sometimes people just don't understand. And I'm telling you, don't pressure yourself from trying to let them understand- especially when you feel like it's unsafe or it's just not the right time and place. Always think of yourself first. This is your life. You're the one who's important here.

Memories and Life

10:37:00 PM

The current time is 12:24 p.m. I slept late last night and was planning to sleep all day.... but I woke up at 8:00 in the morning. Oh joy. But here's the thing- I'm so happy right now I don't even care how hungry and sleepy I am. Also, I write best when I'm sleepy, so..

I want to talk about life. Vague and the cliché of all clichés, I know. This morning, my Mama suddenly burst out, "You're going to be 20 years old next year!" I just shrugged and said, "How can I forget? People always seem to remind me." But really, it still surprises me every single time I think about being 20 years old.

I remember that time my friends and I were planning our debuts (18th birthday party). Alexia and Isha were pretty sure with what theme they wanted. As the most undecided person ever, I didn't know what theme I wanted. We were so excited and we were like- "It's so far! We have to wait five years!!" Funny thing,  I'm already a year older than the age we were all waiting for. This was also the year we made "contracts" saying we couldn't have boyfriends until we turn third year in highschool. Funny thing too, I'm going to be in my third year in college next year but I still haven't had boyfriend. Both of my friends already went past their debuts and already have boyfriends. I don't want to laugh at our 13-year old selves, but I couldn't help myself. We all had plans for each other but in the end, we all just did what made us happy.

We can't plan things all things ahead of time. We can't say to our friends, "We can't have boyfriends until we're 15 years old!!" It's either they fall in love and keep it a secret from you or they turn 15 years old and don't want a boyfriend but feel pressured to have one. My friends and I learned about these lessons though. We never acknowledge it, but I'm pretty sure we did. Life is more enjoyable when you don't plan all things ahead of time. Let it surprise you.

I remember that time I was 7 years old and our dog bit me. It was a sunday family day and we just got home from the mall. Our dog, "Shampoo", had always been a grumpy dog- but that didn't stop me from teasing him. Until I was until 12 years old, I was so scared of dogs. I didn't care if it's small or it looks cute- I wasn't going to pet it. Then I grew up. I don't know how, but I just suddenly in love with dogs again. Now I own two dogs and couldn't stop gushing about them every single day. Every time I see dogs, I can't help but pet them.

There are things in life you think you can never get back; but you see, you can always do something about it. There are feelings you think you've lost forever, but in a matter of time, it just comes back so naturally that it surprises you.

I remember when I was twelve years old and every single thing confused me. Everything confused me, but I was still curious. It was the age I was trying to understand not only myself, but also everything around me. And boy, it was so hard. It was difficult trying to understand things when no one was explaining it to you. I had to find out things for myself. It was the time I felt guilty for even thinking about the things I thought. It was like everything feels wrong and right at the same time. But you know what? I matured. I turned 13 then 14 then 15 then 16. These were the years I tried to understand myself more. These were the years I started telling myself, "If it makes you happy and as long as you're not hurting anybody, GO."

I'm already 19 years old and I still say that phrase to myself every now and then. I worry a lot and sometimes I need assurance from myself.

Time is a bitch. Maturity sucks big time. But hey, time and maturity are also what make us us. I'm only 19 years old and I know I still have a lot of things to learn and realize, but for 19 years of being here on Earth, I can say that I've already learn a lot. I still haven't learn how to properly talk to people or how to cook edible food, but I'm working on it.

Note to self and everyone else: Take your time, love. Don't hurry. Every negative thing that happens in your life will teach you something. Be patient.

LGBTQIA

5:22:00 AM


To the person who wrote this blog post -> http://www.splendorofthechurch.com.ph/2014/10/13/boy-abunda-does-not-know-what-he-says/,

a. I hope you don't wake up one day feeling like everyone is against you.
b. I hope you don't have gay or lesbian or bisexual kids. Fabulous people don't deserve parents who make them feel less fabulous.
c. I hope you don't experience getting stared at or have people raise their eyebrows or roll their eyes on you while you are holding hands with the love of your life.
d. I hope you don't have a secret that's killing you inside.
e. I hope you don't get called a "sin", an "abominaton", "disgusting" almost every single day of your life.  I hope you don't feel something you cannot control.
g. l hope nobody tells you how you cannot love a person because the "bible says so".
h. I hope you never get to feel what's like to love someone so much and have everybody tell you that's it's "just lust".
i. I hope you don't get disrespected too much that you feel a little less human.

I don't want to wish horrible experiences to you just so you can understand what it's like to be a bit different.
I hope one day you realize things all on your own. I hope you wake up one day and make your own decisions by your own thinking- not because of a black book.

(And I hope you realize how much of an asshole you are.)



don't mind me

-

9:34:00 AM

I should be doing my assignment in AnaPhy, but here I am, telling myself I should just blog and do the assignment tomorrow morning.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
 i. This semester is a disaster. I was supposed to turn things around this semester but the things that I want to happen aren't happening. I can always blame my professors, peer pressure or stress or even my dogs; but the truth is, I'm the only person to blame. I've been so distracted by so many unimportant things that I forgot about the things that truly matter- education, my views, and all those other things 19-year olds should be concerned with. Also, my laziness. I study for exams but for some reason, I can't memorize or understand what I'm reading. It's both frustrating and upsetting at the same time. Plus, I always feel like I shouldn't feel sad because it's my fault. Is this normal? Is being sad about something caused by your own doing okay? I always tell other people that  it is... but it's so difficult and different when I'm saying it to myself.                  
                                                                          
ii. I've always been fine with being just with myself. I still am; but sometimes (extra dramatic nights), I feel like I need someone to talk to. Sometimes my insides feel so full of emotions that I just want to burst it all out but I feel like don't have that someone to talk to. Is it selfish to wish for someone to be always there for me and me to be always there for her? Is it okay to sometimes wish for me to be someone's favorite person? I want to stop being awkward. I want to be able to hug someone without feeling like I'm about to explode from awkwardness. I want to talk to someone without filtering everything I say. I want to be able to look at people's eyes while smiling. I want these things because I want to be a good friend. It's so difficult for me to adjust and change but I'm up for it. I've always told people, "If they're really your friends, they'll accept who you are." But I want to be comfortable around people and I want people to be comfortable around me. I don't want people to scared of my outbursts and I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL FRIEND OKAY                                                                  
iii. I should stop overthinking. It's tiring and frustrating and upsetting.  


Do you assignment, Camille.

don't mind me

rants, rambles, frustrations, etc.(don't mind me)

3:19:00 AM

(THIS POST MADE ME REALLY FEEL AWKWARD BECAUSE UGH FEELINGS BUT WHATEVER)

This past week had been so fucking stressful... I just want to eat maybe three boxes of pizza and three servings of lasagna and sleep for, like I don't know, three hundred years??????? I'm just so tired.

I've always been questioned about atheism and my views about sexuality and abortion all the other things I talk about a lot; but the past week had been really infuriating. I'm always open for questions and debates BUT, PEOPLE, I HAVE OFF DAYS. I've been a non-believer long enough to know that people around me will always assume I'm heartless because I don't believe in a god.

Like any other college student, I get sad too when I get low grades on my exams. I have little problems too like how will I buy a book I really really want or how will I approach a person I like. I have personal issues that I'm trying to solve. I also have insecurities like any other person. I have problems about family and friends and school and my fucking Anatomy and Physiology subject. I think people sometimes forget that I'm (almost) like EVERYBODY ELSE.

I'm human too. Being an atheist is a just a speck of who I am... It doesn't make up all of me. Yes, it affects my arguments and opinions and sometimes, feelings, but it doesn't mean I DON'T have feelings. It doesn't mean I only get angry and frustrated, but I also get freaking sad sometimes. I get sad when people question me about marriage and having children like I'm going to be really bad at it because I'm an atheist. I get sad when I can't argue with someone I'm talking to because I care about them and I don't want to ruin my relationship with them. I get sad when people ask me something and I answer and they don't listen to me. I get sad when people think that if a woman marries another woman in the future, they are not included in their idea of a "better life". (WTF IS A BETTER LIFE MEAN ANYWAY?? I'll discuss this on another post.)

I get sad, people. But sometimes, for me, SAD=ANGER. Most of the time, I don't know how to express my feelings properly so I'll probably just either shout or shut up. And this past week, I think all I ever did was fucking shut up and I'm regretting it right now (hence this post). I was just so tired and sick that I wasn't up for arguments. *sigh

Being an atheist is a part of who I am as a person... But that's my point here- It's just a PART of who I am. A big one, but just a part nonetheless.

(I'll probably delete this after a while. It's an off day today... so.)

personal

19 Beautiful Things and People (aka Me Being A Big Softy)

9:15:00 PM

Since I just turned 19 years old last July 14, here are 19 random things/people that I really think are beautiful (as of now):

1. Have you ever talked to someone and asked them about something they love? Have you seen how their eyes lit up? It's like you can actually see how passionate about this thing  that they couldn't stop rambling about it. Be it about make-up and clothes or Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings theories or feminism or books or even religion- people who get so excited when they talk about something they are passionate about are so beautiful.

2. Dogs. Damn, they're so beautiful.

3. Laughter. People who laugh at their own jokes. People who laugh at even the silliest things. People who tears up because of so much laughter. (People who laugh at my jokes! Ha)

4. BOOKS. Beat-up books. New books. Paperbacks. Hardbacks. Books that I love. Books that I hate.

5. 


6. THIS QUOTE.
"Food doesn't taste better or worse when documented by
Instagram. Laughter is as genuine over Skype as it would be 
sharing a sofa. Pay attention. Take in nature, hold someone’s
hand, read a book. But don’t ever apologize for snapping a
photo of a sunrise after a hike, or blogging about the 
excitement of having a crush, or updating your goodreads 
account. All of these things are good and should be 
celebrated. Smile at strangers on the sidewalk and like your 
friends’ selfies. It’s all good for the human spirit."
                                                                        — @cogitoergoblog 

7. I love how other people compliment each other- especially girls. When I was a kid, I though it was all a "big competition". I thought that everything I do is either for boys or for girls to envy me. (I wasn't very good at it anyway. I wasn't interested in boys and I was too awkward to have "competitions", but I thought about it a lot.) It's nice that girls are now finally realizing that there isn't a competition. We should all be complimenting each other. I find it awesome and beautiful when girls compliment each other in selfies or when they support and help each other. :) 

8. LAVERNE COX (and the whole cast of Orange Is The New Black)



9. LONG WALKS. Sometimes I'd get off the bus minutes away from my destination just so I can walk. Long walks make me feel peaceful- it's when I can usually think about 'things'. 

10. This video.



I couldn't imagine Rose Ellen Dix being more beautiful than she was, and then she posted this video. This video made me laugh, cry and hope. Thank you.

Click READ MORE for 11-19!

equality

"Respectable" Clothes

7:10:00 PM


We went to Baguio last week. The trip was fun except that one time my grandmother decided to visit a Catholic church after we went biking. As an atheist, I wasn't interested in praying or praising god or whatever but I still got down off the car because I was curious on what the church looks like. I was being a tourist.

One of the people I was with was a also a teenage girl. She was wearing shorts because, duh, the activities for that day was biking and going around the whole city. According to her mother, she even asked if her clothes were "allowed" but her mother just told her to try. We were almost inside the church when my cousin, sibling and I heard people arguing. When we turned around, it was a woman (I think she's a nun) and she was talking with the mother of the girl. We approached them.

Of course, she was angry at the girl because she was wearing shorts. She said...

(The conversation was in Tagalog, but I'll just translate it.)

"Wearing provocative clothes is not allowed inside the church."

Her mother explained that we were tourists and we went biking that day. She even told her about her daughter asking if her clothes were allowed inside.

I was already pissed off! It wasn't because I didn't care about the church's rules; it's because of how I feel about people telling women what to do and what to wear. My cousin and sister were also pissed so we just stayed with the girl outside. The mother went inside.. AND GUESS WHAT! The nun kept talking to us..

"When we go out of the church, we wear "proper" clothes." 

What she really meant: "For me, what I'm wearing is proper. You should wear clothes that we think is proper."

"You shouldn't even be roaming around the  church in those clothes."

What she really meant: "Go inside the car."

"You should look respectable. You should respect us. Respect god."

What she really meant: "Because your legs are showing, you're not respectable."

Yeah, sure, it's their church and they make their own rules. But here's the thing: These kinds of rules contributes to objectifying women and rape culture. RESPECT is not about clothes. A women deserves to be respected whether she's wearing long sleeves and jeans or not wearing anything at all. These kind of rules give boys the idea that when a woman is wearing shorts, she does not deserve to be respected. These gives the boys the idea that when a woman is wearing clothes that shows skin and he disrespects or rapes her, it's HER fault because SHE provoked him.

Instead of teaching women how to prevent themselves from being raped or harassed, why don't you teach men self-control? When you make these kind of rules, you are making women feel responsible for controlling men's urges. That is so wrong. That is bullshit.

To all the women out there: Wear what you want to wear. It doesn't matter what you're wearing, you deserve to be respected. Next time somebody tells you that you don't "look" respectable, ignore them (or maybe punch them in the face)and say, "I look beautiful.".

atheism

""You don't believe in god?! *GASP* How do you know what's wrong and what's right?!"

2:05:00 PM


Oh, right, not having a magical god and a holy book telling me what to do makes me immoral.

"You don't believe in god? How do you know what's wrong and what's right?" 

This is one of the questions a person first asks me when they find out that I'm an atheist. I used to get offended by it (I still do, but it just depends on the approach) but now, I just find it irritating. Is this even a question? I understand that some people are ignorant and just want to learn or curious.. BUT REALLY?

Let me ask you a question:

"If you were an atheist, would you go around murdering people? Would you randomly rape people because you believe that there is no god?" 

I do hope that your answer to that question is "NO". GOD DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH MORALS. If you say, "But the bible is the one who taught me what's wrong and what's right.", then I accept that.. but what you have to realize is that, the things bible taught you can also be learned from other things. The things that you learn from religion can also be thought of with non-religious context.

You just got to think. THINK THINK THINK. Do I think killing my enemies is wrong? I do. Why? Because I don't think killing human beings are right. You have to think your way through it. Also, what's "WRONG" and what's "RIGHT" is not what's always wrong and right for other people- People have different views and morals. Not all Christians do only good things, some Christians do bad things- same goes with Atheists- others do bad things, other do good things. A god and a 'holy' book don't have anything to do with it.

"So, as an atheist, where do you get your morals?"

I get it from life experiences. I get it from observing other people. I get it from my parents. I get it from thinking thoroughly.

misogyny

"THE ALTAS FILES" (The Story of How It Made Me Shake With Rage)

9:11:00 AM


I learned about "The Altas Files" from my blockmates. It's a page where students from my university post complaints, confessions, declarations of love, etc. (You get the point.) I didn't know about it until some of my friends started talking about it endlessly. I was curious. I started reading the posts.

Some were cute posts about their crushes, but most of the posts are infuriating. Most of the students are bashing each other's program/courses. But one thing that caught my attention was the constant "slut-shaming" and misogyny. At first, I just rolled my eyes and said, "No, Camille. Control yourself." But I felt so bad about all these women being constantly bashed just because they wear make-up not only by men, but also by women. Seriously? I'm not mad because I wear make-up. (I just put on powder and lip tint.) I'm mad because I'm a girl/woman.

Why do you think women wear make-up? For men? For other people? Of course not. Women wear make-up to gain confidence. Women wear make-up to make themselves feel better about themselves. AND THEN YOU GO POST IN THIS GROUP IN FACEBOOK THAT THEY LOOK LIKE SLUTS. Do you get what I'm saying here? These women took time and effort to express themselves. To make themselves beautiful. They go out of their homes in the morning, thinking, "I look so beautiful today." Then you go tell them that they're sluts. Isn't that fucking sad? It's even fucking sadder if you're a woman yourself and you didn't even realize this.

I know all of us are entitled to our opinions; but Freedom of Speech isn't a valid excuse to be an asshole.

MEN: If there's one thing you should understand, it's that women doesn't just live in this world to please men. We don't make ourselves beautiful, work-out in the gym, wear pretty dresses for you. We do it for ourselves. We're not here to live up to your expectations.

WOMEN: If you don't like wearing make-up, DON'T MAKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR IT FEEL BAD. Not because you don't like something, doesn't mean you can implement a rule that nobody should wear it. Not because you don't like something, doesn't mean that someone who likes it is wrong.

Calling women "sluts" is wrong.


(Blog post brought to you by my rage and insomnia.)

Ellen Page

Thoughts: Ellen Page

6:45:00 AM




After watching Ellen Page's speech for the hundredth time today, I scrolled down to read the comments. I tried not to because I know I'd probably just get sad or angry, but then I couldn't control myself. Here's a few comments that made me want to pull out all my hair and hurt somebody:


 "They're trying to make it seem like it's okay to be gay."
 - Well, because it's OKAY TO BE GAY.

 "It's just not natural." 
It's not natural for YOU and YOUR religion. Not because you think it's not natural, it's   wrong. Not because YOU think it's different, doesn't mean it's wrong.

 "It's a brain disorder."
 I feel sorry for you, you bigot. (No, not really.)


I won't even waste my time replying to this one. 

I was angry after reading the comments' section, but then I watched Ellen Page's speech again and then felt so proud again. The things she said? That's what's happening right now. That's the reality. No matter how much people deny it, society has already set up "rules" that makes people feel obligated to do it. You might say, "But nobody's forcing you to do it!!", but hey, who doesn't want to be accepted? Who doesn't like to be treated normal? Who doesn't want to be treated equal? We all do. And because of these "rules", people who quite feel like they're not going to be accepted by the society just keep who they really are and what they really feel. 

Some people commented, "Why do you have to come out? Why is this such a big deal?" It's a big deal because she came out to the everybody- "Everybody" meaning the community who supports her, but also the people who will constantly judge her for being who she is. This is why I think coming out is a "big deal".




"I am tired of hiding and I am tired of lying by omission. I suffered for years because I was scared to be out. My spirit suffered, my mental health suffered and my relationships suffered. And I’m standing here today, with all of you, on the other side of all that pain. I am young, yes, but what I have learned is that love, the beauty of it, the joy of it and yes, even the pain of it, is the most incredible gift to give and to receive as a human being. And we deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame and without compromise." - Ellen Page

atheism

5:08:00 AM


When people discover that I'm an atheist, they assume that I've never prayed, read the bible or went to church. Of course, I'll instantly say, "Of course I've read the bible!" or "I know what's inside of a church looks like!" I've always find it funny when people think I grew up an atheist. 

Growing up, I believed in god. I believed in heaven and hell and angels and all that shit. I went to church in 'proper' dresses every Sunday. I prayed before eating, before going to bed... I prayed every day. I remember that sometimes, I get nervous and afraid because I forgot to pray. I remember wearing little too short clothes and people saying that it's a sin. And every time I accidentally committed a sin, I was afraid that I was going to hell and burn there forever. 

If there's one thing religion taught my eight-year old self, it's TO BE AFRAID. It taught me to be ignorant- to not ask for an explanation. This is the only reasoning I got: "If the bible says it's right, it's right. If the bible says it's wrong, it's wrong." As a little child who was scared to death of dying and burning in hell forever, that was enough. When I was a kid, I believed that obeying the bible was more important than being considerate to others. I was judgmental. I was blinded by the idea of heaven and eternal life. 

And then.. I grew up. I started thinking. Really thinking. What I did was, I put aside religion and thought about things thoroughly using the things I learn and the people I meet everyday. I started opening up my mind to all the possibilities. That's when I realized what religion has been doing to me- It has been scaring me, clouding my judgments, making me ignorant. I still remember the years when I still just "doubting" the existence of god, I was afraid. I was afraid that couldn't be kind and forgiving and loving person without "god". 

But then I started getting hooked to the internet. I found articles about people getting bullied because of religious people. I guess that was what pushed me to the edge. It didn't make up my mind in just a minute. It was a process. 

I was 14 years old when I started questioning religion.. and now I'm 18 years old and an atheist. And all I can say is, I'm kinder, more forgiving and more loving person than I was when I was a christian. I don't judge people just because a book or a magical god tells me to. I support gender equality. I strongly believe that the LGBTQ community shouldn't be treated differently just because they love who they want to love. I believe in giving women choices. 

I'm glad that I'm an atheist. 

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