8:49:00 AM


i've named her sam. 

sometimes when i'm around many people, i feel itchy. i feel like there's millions of ants crawling in my skin, making me want to shout and cry and pull all my hair out.and sometimes i do. i go to the bathroom and scratch my arms over and over and over and over again until I can only feel hurt, not itch. these ants are sam.  

sometimes when i'm speaking in front of many people, my heart pounds like someone is running after me and i cannot do anything other than run and run and run. my heart pounds and pounds and pounds until i can barely breathe and speak and i just want it to stop. i wanted to stop speaking and start breathing again. sam was chasing after me.

sometimes i wake up in bad mood for no reason. the small things make me angry- missing hairbrush, pen running out of ink, dirt in my glasses, shoelaces getting untied. and it's so hard to be angry for not knowing the reason, for not having a reason. the reason's usually just sam. 

sometimes i wake up screaming and running and jumping and crying and scratching myself. the room is too dark!!! why is it dark in here??? i'm blind turn on the lights please please please it's too dark i cannot see anything. i cannot see anything other than sam and im so afraid of her get her away from me please

sometimes i feel exhausted and tired for no reason. no feelings. no motivation. no goals. none. sometimes sam makes me feel like i don't have anything. 
sometimes sam tells me to shut down. and sometimes i do.


sam is here. telling me to stop typing.

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