Caring, Trying, Explaining

6:30:00 PM

When I care about a person, I try really hard to make things work. I try to get out of my awkward shell. I try to be more affectionate. I try to talk more. I try to be more of someone I am not. I've always seen it as a positive thing- I say to myself, "This is good. You're trying to be a better person."

But you see, I can't carry the awkward shell all the way up- it's too heavy for me to bear. I can't hug and touch you all the time- it's just not the way I show how I care. I try to talk more but I always end up saying the wrong things and offend people. It's because I'm a listener- It's one of the things I'm really great at.

I notice things. I know when a person is uncomfortable or problematic or sad- I just don't acknowledge it in person. When you get home, you'll probably receive a text message or a chat from me. Not because I'm awkward and shy doesn't mean that I don't care.

I care about a lot of things and I just don't know how to show it in a way that other people will see or feel it.

I've already adjusted myself so much. I'm not saying that someone forced me to- I did it willingly. I wanted to. But since nothing I do seems good enough, I'll just keep doing what makes me feel comfortable. I won't always be all touchy and smiley but I still show that I care. And if people around me fail to see that I'm trying, I guess that is not my problem anymore. Friends try to understand each other's faults. Sometimes we try to fix things and sometimes the solutions are not good enough. I'm always up to make things work, but what I'm not up for right now is to adjust more. I'm not a robot. Just because I don't know how to express my feelings properly doesn't mean I don't have feelings. And I'm tired of trying and trying and trying and not have my efforts seen. I don't want to not care (this happens a lot when I get so frustrated).

Trying to make people around me comfortable made me uncomfortable in my own skin. It's not easy lifting up the awkward shell when it's also my armor. I know it's unfair to be frustrated at people when they don't feel or see the effort I've exerted, but I can't help it. I felt like I was finally "getting there" but turns out, I'm still pretty far from it.

But yes, I'm done trying and explaining. I have this really great friend who always tell me that I don't have to explain myself... and she's right. Why should I explain? Why should I explain why I'm hurt? I don't have to explain anything. In time, I'll take off the awkward shell- when I'M comfortable.

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