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9:34:00 AM

I should be doing my assignment in AnaPhy, but here I am, telling myself I should just blog and do the assignment tomorrow morning.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
 i. This semester is a disaster. I was supposed to turn things around this semester but the things that I want to happen aren't happening. I can always blame my professors, peer pressure or stress or even my dogs; but the truth is, I'm the only person to blame. I've been so distracted by so many unimportant things that I forgot about the things that truly matter- education, my views, and all those other things 19-year olds should be concerned with. Also, my laziness. I study for exams but for some reason, I can't memorize or understand what I'm reading. It's both frustrating and upsetting at the same time. Plus, I always feel like I shouldn't feel sad because it's my fault. Is this normal? Is being sad about something caused by your own doing okay? I always tell other people that  it is... but it's so difficult and different when I'm saying it to myself.                  
                                                                          
ii. I've always been fine with being just with myself. I still am; but sometimes (extra dramatic nights), I feel like I need someone to talk to. Sometimes my insides feel so full of emotions that I just want to burst it all out but I feel like don't have that someone to talk to. Is it selfish to wish for someone to be always there for me and me to be always there for her? Is it okay to sometimes wish for me to be someone's favorite person? I want to stop being awkward. I want to be able to hug someone without feeling like I'm about to explode from awkwardness. I want to talk to someone without filtering everything I say. I want to be able to look at people's eyes while smiling. I want these things because I want to be a good friend. It's so difficult for me to adjust and change but I'm up for it. I've always told people, "If they're really your friends, they'll accept who you are." But I want to be comfortable around people and I want people to be comfortable around me. I don't want people to scared of my outbursts and I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL FRIEND OKAY                                                                  
iii. I should stop overthinking. It's tiring and frustrating and upsetting.  


Do you assignment, Camille.

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1 comments

  1. You just described my life. To some extent, I know how you feel with friends and school. It's easy to get distracted and have assignments pile up (I have like 10 right now and I'm writing this instead haha, but I don't mind). It's just important not to blame yourself too much, this happens to a fair amount of people and sometimes I think procrastination and focusing on other things are human condition. From an evolutionary standpoint, we're a species that is not static and had to be aware of our surroundings and changes at all times, so drifting from one thing to another and inability to just stay on one activity may be a factor of that. There was one time when I couldn't even go to school for a semester because I waited too long to do everything. Yes, I was definitely sad at myself for my own doing, but the important thing is to make the most out of the situations you hand yourself.

    Everyone is different and in my experience, you just have to work with different study techniques, environments, combinations of classes, hours, etc. You're young and it's fine to feel this way, just realize that school is sort of a rhythm you have to get in to and eventually you'll find something that works for you. It's frustrating, tedious, and hopeless at times, but it gets better once you can really find who you are and how you learn best.

    I know especially how you feel on the filter thing. Well, if you mean that because of your atheism and liberalism. Do you ever hear someone say something about Christianity/Jesus/Conservatism and feel like you have this joke or comment you can make but you just hold back because you know it's going to offend everyone or maybe they just won't get it? It sucks, I can really only be myself on Twitter, and it's great that you can be yourself on this blog and your outbursts are actually pretty cool. :)

    Anywho, have fun with that assignment and thanks for sharing. I can enjoy your posts because most of what you say is relatable.

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